My Pain .... My Reality

Lately I've been very emotional, and I had no real reason why. I was just crying... I wasn't up for real conversations. Well today I got "the news" he's dead.. Yes he died. A part of me was extremely happy (as cold as that may sound) but another part of me was sad. Today, I cried for a lot of reasons.. I cried because I sympathize with his family. I cried because he was the love of my life even though I was not his. I cried because he was the reason I was afraid to go home.. He was a true bastard in every sense of the word. But I loved that man more than the air that flowed through my body.He taught me horrific lessons at a young age. He was everything I prayed to never have in another man who claims to love me.. Everyone tells me I will love like that again one day. But I hope I never do. Why? Because I'm afraid to. I'm not perfect, and yes my attitude stinks at times. But today I sat back and cried not knowing who I could really turn to. Most people think women like myself are stupid, because they don't seem to grasp the understanding of the mess we've gone through. Can you tell me how I'm not suppose to feel some type of pain? The man I once loved with every ounce of my being died. I shared ALL of my first experiences with him. I loved him enough I took his last name.... He hurt me dearly... He is gone, but the scars are still on display... Look at my body, hell look closely at my face.. But to this day I wouldn't wish death on him, that's not my place..I said a prayer and hopes he's in a better place.. I sent my condolences to his family praying so they'd have strength and much better days.August 13th, 1976 - May 13th, 2008